Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
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Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Monday
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*