Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
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Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps