i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
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Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Monica just destroyed the internet
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??