him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Every damn time
peep davidson
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.