Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
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Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Just a reminder, folks:
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume