Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
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Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Solving a traffic jam
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…