Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
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Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
i want to work in this restaurant
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Dietest Coke
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl