Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
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Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis