Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
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Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
“our sushi is very fresh”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Stop sending me this shit.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.