Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
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gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Krampus.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]