Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
You Might Also Like
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
🍛
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
🛁
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Friends that check up on you >
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no