Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
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I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy