@Ndeshi_M: Him: I'd go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well... what are you waiting for then?
@AdamBroud: Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
@JennyJohnsonHi5: My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I'll murder him.
@WilliamAder: My existential crisis began when I realized there is no "I" in "me."
@Tmoney68: [Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
@mydmac: I donate blood once a month. It's not mine but I know I'm making a real difference.