Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
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I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?