Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
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Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.