Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
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Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Saturday
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.