HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
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A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
yea so i messed up lol
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.