HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
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Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*