Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
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[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
catch me on valentine’s day like
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast