Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
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I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
new year update: losing everything but weight
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.