Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
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[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Only a mother’s love …
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha