Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
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Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
CUTE CAT‼︎
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
dogs can find happiness so easily
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.