Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
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It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.