Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
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If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain