Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
You Might Also Like
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Saw your ex at the shops
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised