HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
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If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck