Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
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HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.