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@McKnightyBoo: Him: I'm heading to the gym
Me: I'm heading to the fridge
@VeggieMonger: Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don't think adding more pricks will make a difference.
@jazmasta: [emergency room]
"We need to put pressure on the wound!"
[to wound] We've been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together"
@OBiiieeee: Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
@Douchekevin: The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face.
I think she's just found my twitter account
@im_not_smug: Coworker: That's a stupid song
Me: Your face is stupid
Coworker: Way to be mature
Me: YOUR FACE IS MATURE!!