Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
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*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
They’re really bad with fonts.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it