Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
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The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Discuss
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.