Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
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Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?