Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
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[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.