Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
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*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
i was baptized in a car wash
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*