Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
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Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.