[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
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Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.