Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
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The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
.. do you even science?
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.