I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
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I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
You know…for fall…
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod