Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
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Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN鈥橳 YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Seal it so to open it, you鈥檒l need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
you have three unread messages
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I only treason on days ending in y
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
馃槣馃槣 Happy Saturday folks 鈽曪笍鈽曪笍
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 馃槄 Congratulations England, richly deserved 馃憦馃徑馃弳 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I鈥檓 supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend