All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
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“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
when mom throws a party…
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.