*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
You Might Also Like
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in