“OMGJK” -atheists
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The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen