Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
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Seductively sings in Klingon.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled