Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
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I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
“That’s what” – She
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.