Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
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My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Lol.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.