Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
never compromise your values
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.