Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
You Might Also Like
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.