Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
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Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.