Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
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pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No