Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
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*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
and now we wait
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans