“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
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A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
The prophecy is fulfilled
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.