So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
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SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Mornin
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.