HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
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Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.